The Brunswick Cafe Order: A Taxonomy

Oat latte, extra shot, 60 degrees, in a keep cup.

I'm at a cafe on Sydney Road. It's 7:45am. The person in front of me has just ordered this. The barista did not flinch. The barista has heard worse. I have heard worse. We have all heard worse.

I grew up on instant. Nescafé. Two sugars. Maybe three if nan was feeling generous. So when I tell you that the Brunswick cafe order is a performance, I say it with love. And confusion. Mostly confusion.

The Order Spectrum

Tier 1: The Normal

Long black
Flat white
Cappuccino, no chocolate

These people are fine. We don't talk about them. They order. They leave. They have places to be. I envy them.

Tier 2: The Specific

Oat milk, extra hot
Double ristretto, 3/4 full
Almond milk, but only if it's the barista brand

These people have preferences. We accommodate. The barista accommodates. I watch and learn.

Tier 3: The Performance

Half-strength, extra shot, 65 degrees, light foam, in a ceramic mug
Piccolo, but make it a small flat white
"Whatever's closest to a Melbourne Magic"

These people are ordering a personality. The barista is a therapist. The barista deserves a raise. The barista deserves a medal.

A Code Block (Because We Can)

ORDER: oat_latte
  .milk(oat)
  .shots(2)
  .temp(60)
  .vessel(keep_cup)
  .sustainability_credits(1)

If your order looks like this in your head, you might be from Brunswick. No judgement. Some judgement. I'm working on it.

The Real Take

The complexity of your coffee order is inversely proportional to how much sleep you got last night.

I don't have data for this. I have vibes. The vibes are strong. I've been watching. I've been studying. Someone had to.

The cafe is full now. Someone's dog is under a table. The dog did not order anything. The dog is the most relaxed being in the room. We could learn from the dog. The dog knows things. The dog has seen the queue at 8am on a Monday and chosen peace.

Sign off. Go get your coffee. Order whatever you want. The barista has seen it all. They've seen worse than you. Probably.